When God first called me into ministry in 2003 and before He asked me to quit my job in 2004, I was in a very difficult place. I had one foot in the old world of my public relations career and working for man, and one foot in an unknown ministry working for God. I knew I was called, but to where?
My heart was with the Lord and wherever He wanted me to go, but my body still had to go to work. This internal division was so hard to endure... it lasted one year before I had my burning bush experience with God and knew I was to go to Guatemala.
I have been home two days now and I am experiencing this same phenomenon as I did over a dozen years ago. My body is going through the motions here... ministry paperwork, church, friendships, etc. But my heart is in Israel. What happened to me on this trip? What has God done? How does what is happening inside of me fit together with what He has had me doing?
He has given me a love for the Land and His people that I never had before. People I know and had met over the years talked about it, but it had not happened to me. I would tell people that... the Lord had not yet laid Israel on me even though I knew I would take care of His people. But now?!? My heart literally aches to be in the Land. I'm homesick for a place I have never lived. I desire to be with a people I have never known. I literally want to cry. I miss Israel. I miss Jerusalem. I miss the people. I knew God had touched my heart deeply at the Western Wall, but I had no idea what He had done at the time. But now that I am back home in Texas, I long to be back home in the Land. This state in which I find myself is so excruciatingly painful, yet there is God. There is Yahweh. This is Him. I have been touched by this small nation on the other side of the world. May I die completely, so that in Him alone I may find my life.